A divorcee wants to know that things are going to turn out well. They want to have faith in a bright future for themselves, their children, and even their ex-spouse. Though this is a future vision, the feelings as they move through the initial stages of divorce transition brings forth many challenges as they relate to their physical and mental wellbeing, their ability to navigate complex emotions, their changing family and parenting dynamics, and their settlement decisions around custody, dividing marital property, making a housing transition, and even determine the implications of child and/or spousal support. These complexities highlight the importance of comprehensive divorce planning.
If you think of other large-scale transitions, such as retirement, job change, starting a business, etc., a common theme is proper planning ahead of time because the risk of going into these transitions blind is too great. However, with a divorce transition there often isn’t a sufficient lead time to adequately plan, and there are many other things to navigate than with the other more familiar transitions. Couple this with divorce being the only transition requiring a court’s approval, the importance of developing an actionable divorce plan is paramount.
So, why do divorcees skip or even think of divorce planning? The first major reason is timing. Unlike a retirement, job change, and other transitions, divorce is not a transition we typically look forward to and with that comes a disincentive to plan.
Second, the professional we turn to guide the divorce proceedings, which is typically an attorney, has a drastically different role than professionals guiding other transitions. A financial planner or a career coach are governed to a less effect than an attorney is governed. An attorney’s first allegiance is to the rule of law and when they are hired in a divorce case, they typically are hired to represent a client in a civil lawsuit, following established civil procedure that insn’t conducive to holistic divorce transition. An attorney’s scope will stay in the confines of the decisions to be made in court and will not extend to other factors impacting the divorce, such as emotions, self-care, parental adjustments, etc.
The third reason is divorcing procedures pull the client’s attention to those areas, financial and family, that need to be decided in order to gain a court’s approval to dissolve the marriage. As the process moves forward, the divorcee is faced with a seemingly insurmountable list of to-dos that directs their attention from other important parts of the divorce. The extensive “data gathering and discovery” to-do list happens in all forms of divorce – litigation, mediation, and DIY (or pro-se) – because the same information needs to filter up to the court for review.
The last major reason for overlooking divorce planning is a lack of energy. Divorce stress can be intense as one grieves the loss of their family and dreams, while holding onto negative emotions like, anger, guilt, resentment, blame, shame, fear…The concoction brews high stress, which can disrupt sleep, personal care, and energy, and can increase bouts of rumination around both past events and future unknowns. It’s easy to see why one would not have the energy to plan. The paradox however, is navigating divorce with no plan, tools, or strategies further impacts energy and dilutes making key decisions with clarity and assurance.
The Primary Culprit
The primary contributor to mistakes and avoidable costs to time, energy, money, and health is jumping into divorce blind. Court trials, let alone divorce, are unfamiliar territory. When you jump in without a plan you are giving up control.
So, what does a comprehensive divorce plan look like? Divorce is unique to each situation there are common themes that can be addressed so you can have faith in the brighter future you hold in your heart.
Internal Divorce Planning Components
Fitness
Divorce brings some level of health effects, whether it is sleep deprivation, physical ailments, digestion issues, anxiety, diet and weight fluctuations, hyper-tension, or some other physical effect. There needs to be a plan to explore these effects and develop implementable “cheats”, routines, and self-care strategies to improve the overall physiology.
Fervor
As we break the sacred vows and separate from the dreams we carried for our family, we become face-to-face with complex and unfamiliar emotions, and even super intense emotions. Without a plan it is easy to fight, run from, or mask the emotions with various vices. The fervor portion of the plan creates a safe and healthy framework to face the emotions, look at them with curiosity, and explore the things we are meant to learn. The emotions are here for a reason. Break throughs often happen when the reason is discovered.
External Divorce Planning Components
Family
Different perspectives around custody often brings contentiousness. Rarely, are the child’s perspectives brought into the scenario. There needs to be a plan to communicate and compare underlying interests supporting custody perspectives. As you navigate custody agreements, there still can be challenges around co-parenting and balancing work-parenting responsibilities when you are a solo parent. A comprehensive divorce plan builds in these and the laundry list of other important family implications.
Finances
Here in lies another in depth topic that requires thoughtful planning. The financial side of the divorce plan can study various options for marital property division, analyze the implications of support payments, and outline a list of “gotchas” or unexpected things you had wished you known but pop up later. The financial side of the plan also moves through other important financial elements, such as housing transition, divorce transition budgeting, financial fear and financial psychology, and identifying engrained habits that need to be altered or eliminated.
In Conclusion
Yes, comprehensive divorce planning is involved and can take time. That is only because divorce is arguably the most complex transition we can make. If I could give one piece of advice to a divorcee that would be to slow-down to speed-up. Don’t leap into divorce blindly. Make the right investments upfront and reap the returns through the divorce approval process and beyond.
For more support with your divorce, visit the Divorce Support Center on Patreon.